“The research evidence does suggest that all marriages, happy or unhappy, seem to deal with the same “tasks” of being married, and that these tasks change with life span development.”
– John Gottman
Gottman recognized that almost 70% of a couple’s major disagreements are about non-resolvable issues, which reflect normal differences in dreams and expectations and personality. In successful relationships, the couple has learned how to talk about these ongoing differences without putting each other down and arousing negative reactions. There is an atmosphere of goodwill.
In emotionally close relationships there is no shortage of problems and issues. What is crucial is how they manage to maintain a positive atmosphere between themselves. Since differences are inevitable, couples in stable relationships have learned that, when in conflict, to keep their exchanges from being destructive. These couples have developed ways of creating a positive atmosphere in non-conflict situations. They have invented ways of expressing friendship and appreciation that thread through their contacts with each other. They turn toward each other rather than turn away. They comfort and soothe each other in times of trouble.
Friendship is a major accomplishment that couples in happy, stable relationships have achieved. Each party has created a deep understanding of what makes the other ‘tick’. They know each other’s dreams and hopes. They have a fondness and admiration for each other and have become each other’s best friend, demonstrating the importance of liking as well as loving each other.