“The research evidence does suggest that all marriages, happy or unhappy, seem to deal with the same “tasks” of being married, and that these tasks change with life span development.”

– John Gottman

Gottman recognized that almost 70% of a couple’s major disagreements are about non-resolvable issues, which reflect normal differences in dreams and expectations and personality. In successful relationships, the couple has learned how to talk about these ongoing differences without putting each other down and arousing negative reactions. There is an atmosphere of goodwill.

In emotionally close relationships there is no shortage of problems and issues. What is crucial is how they manage to maintain a positive atmosphere between themselves. Since differences are inevitable, couples in stable relationships have learned that, when in conflict, to keep their exchanges from being destructive. These couples have developed ways of creating a positive atmosphere in non-conflict situations. They have invented ways of expressing friendship and appreciation that thread through their contacts with each other. They turn toward each other rather than turn away. They comfort and soothe each other in times of trouble.

Friendship is a major accomplishment that couples in happy, stable relationships have achieved. Each party has created a deep understanding of what makes the other ‘tick’. They know each other’s dreams and hopes. They have a fondness and admiration for each other and have become each other’s best friend, demonstrating the importance of liking as well as loving each other.

Listen with empathy.

Empathy is your ability to see things from your partner’s perspective. Listen to your partner and tune in to his/her feelings. Whatever your partner is feeling “makes sense” from his or her perspective. When you start to “get it”, you will know not only what your partner is feeling – you will also understand why. You are ready for the next step.

Respond with empathy.

Tell your partner what you think he/she is feeling based on what you’ve heard. For example, your partner tells you about frustration at your lack of support. However you sense not just frustration, but anger as well. So you respond, “You’re frustrated about my not being there for you, and this makes you really angry, too.” If you didn’t get it right, your partner will tell you and you can correct your response.

Make it sweet.

Nobody likes to be scolded or criticized. So to avoid provoking a ‘fight or flight” reaction from your mate, always include the positive. Are you angry because your mate is not spending enough time with you? The reason you’re so angry is because you care so much about your partner and your relationship. Express those feelings of love as strongly as you can! That sweetness will make what follows a lot easier to swallow.

Talk about your feelings – not your mate’s failure.

“When I came home from work yesterday I really wanted to talk to you about what happened. When I wasn’t able to I felt totally alone.” Stating it this way is much more likely to get a positive response from your mate than “You are never there when I need you.”

Look for win-win solutions.

Don’t just settle for a compromise type “lose- lose” solution. In an atmosphere of love and trust, couples can come up with creative solutions that are satisfying to both partners.

Plan.

Once you’ve come up with an idea, plan out the details carefully so that it is clearly understood. You may even want to write out the details, including what to do if the unforeseen prevents you from following through. For example, maybe your solution is to spend every Saturday afternoon going for a quiet walk together. What will you do if an emergency comes up? Will you skip the walk until the following week or reschedule it for during the week?

Follow-up.

Remind one another of your solution and check on a regular basis to see how it is working. If necessary, discuss the situation again and review the results of your first solution. Make adjustments and try again.

Make a conscious decision to be in love. The more you act as if you are in love, the more you will feel like you are.

2. Remember the good times.

Treat your partner like you did at the beginning of your relationship. Make a list of all the things you used to enjoy doing together, and add any new fantasies to the list. Plan for them and make them happen.

3. Help your partner feel more loved.

Help your partner feel more loved and secure in your love, so that he or she can open up to you and express feelings and ideas without fear of being attacked or judged. Compliment, praise, give a hug—small gestures make the grandest statements.

4. Don’t make unilateral decisions.

You’re a team in many ways, so act like one. Check in and make decisions together about things large and small. Be willing to compromise.

5. Be present.

Train your mind to stay in the moment—not at work or thinking about the new colour you want to paint your kitchen, or how it’s time to take the dog to the vet.

6. Pay attention to your physical appearance.

Take the time to stay in shape and look good for each other. It does matter.

7. Boost your compatibility.

Couples in crisis focus on all the ways they are different, whereas those who are in love zero in on their similarities and think their differences are cute. Build compatibility by taking turns planning activities to do together. If you don’t like your partner’s choice, don’t complain; it’s your turn next.

8. Do not place blame.

Replace blame and criticism with solutions and tenderness. Problem-solve together—sit close, hold hands; touch each other’s face or hair. Be playful. When was the last time you laughed together? Rent a comedy movie to tickle your funny bone.

9. Plan for sex.

Spontaneity is great, but smart couples know that good sex doesn’t just happen. Like everything else, it takes time and planning.

10. Fact-find – don’t mind-read.

You may think you know, but you can’t assume. You may believe he/she should know, but that’s not fair, either. Always clear up mysteries, misinterpretations and misunderstandings to make sure they don’t throw you both off course.

11. Fight fair – and by appointment only.

Schedule a limited time to discuss a problem and confine your comments to that issue only. It’s easier to relax and feel free to enjoy each other, when you know you won’t be ambushed by a litany of complaints and criticisms.

12. Prepare for ‘checkouts.’

Even in the closest marriage, everyone needs time alone. Don’t take it personally and don’t make each other feel guilty if you need to spiritually and emotionally regroup. Just be sure to tell each other when you are checking out (max, one day) – and when you’re checking back in.

2. Ignoring the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling) and the gender differences inherent in these. Generally, females are more apt to criticize, males to stonewall or refuse to participate. Developing awareness of the impact of these discounting actions and learning a process for handling couple differences without resorting to them is an important step toward harmony.

3. Failing to repair the relationship after a fight or disagreement. Fights and disagreements are inevitable with couples. It is critical for partners to learn a process, of dealing with disagreements. Rather than avoiding fights altogether, couples need to mend hurt feelings afterwards so that the relationship can remain close and rewarding and not become distant. The ideal is to get so good at this process that they are able to repair while fighting.

4. Negativity in the ‘field’ that is part of every interaction — words, tones and non-verbals (expressions, attitudes) — that are perceived as discounts or putdowns. These register, are stored, and influence future transactions. It is important to learn one’s ‘invisible’ language that has such an influence on how one is perceived by one’s partner.

5. Flooding — being swept away, overwhelmed by negative emotions and into extreme statements that lead to distancing and isolation. It is important to learn self-soothing practices to use when the going gets too hot to handle.

6. Chronic, diffuse physiological arousal — hair trigger anger and negativity. When the ‘field’ of the relationship is tense and one is often feeling defensive, it is essential to have processes that allow one to air the problems and reduce the tension.

7. The failure of men to accept influence from their wives. This shows up in one of two patterns: (a) male emotional disengagement (this eventually becomes mutual emotional disengagement), or (b) male escalation (belligerence, contempt, defensiveness) in response to their wife’s complaining. The most common reason given for breakup is the gradual growing apart and losing a sense of closeness, and not feeling loved and appreciated. This underscores the importance of learning the skills of positive interaction so that one is in the best position to make the most of the many opportunities for rewarding interactions present in nearly every marriage.

(From the work of John Gottman)

One hallmark of emotional maturity is to recognize the validity of multiple realities and to understand that people think, feel and react differently. Closeness does not mean sameness. We have a right to everything we think and feel, and so does everyone else.

Many of us search for the ‘ultimate truth of the matter’ so that we can justify our views and the needs and demands of others. What many fail to appreciate is that there are multiple ways of perceiving the same situation and that people think, feel and react differently. This is a very different concept to grasp and hold on to when we are angry.

Conflicting wants and different perceptions of the world do not mean that one party is ‘right’ and the other ‘wrong’. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, neither legitimate nor illegitimate. We have a right to everything we feel and our feelings deserve our attention and respect. But our right for example, to be angry at our partner does not mean that our partner is to blame.

Chronic anger and resentment towards a person is a signal that we need to re-evaluate our participation in our interactions with that person and consider how we might move/act differently with that person in an important relationship.

The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner, PhD. is one book – equally valid for men and women alike – that provides an excellent read on understanding and dealing with chronic anger and resentment towards our partner.

When individuals and couples want to have more juice and passion in their lives, they have to learn more about their feelings. Learning to locate, express and receive feelings is the foundation of our work and it’s a very challenging skill to learn. This learning requires a determined effort at self-discovery, a willingness to learn a language of feeling, a readiness to risk personal vulnerability and a desire to experience a more whole and balanced existence. For those who persevere, the rewards in relationship and family life are beyond measurement.

• Finding power and choice when problems feel overwhelming
• Overcoming depression and re-experiencing hope, joy and peace
• Learning and growing through loss and grief (including the loss of a family pet)
• Experiencing liberation from addictive behaviours and substance misuse
• Finding assertive and healthy ways of responding to the addictive behaviour or substance misuse of a loved one
• Understanding the meaning behind anger and learning respectful ways to communicate intense emotions
• Developing safe and meaningful relationships
• Nurturing intimacy with your partner as a foundation to sexual satisfaction
• Finding your voice in the midst of crazy making abusive relationships
• Becoming the parent you really want to be
• Turning life and family transitions (retirement, critical illness, empty nest) into seasons of discovery
• Creating a purposeful life and a balanced sense of wellbeing
• Exploring spirituality and what it means to you
• Safe telling of secrets and stories of pain and suffering and celebration of stories of resistance and resilience.

Individuals can become aware of new perspectives and possibilities and discover a new sense of energy, purpose, and productivity. Families can experience personal growth and family connectedness and heal intergenerational wounds. Couples can learn to repair negative interactions and develop a renewed sense of love, affection, and support for one another

Here are some questions to ask yourself to help you know whether therapy could be helpful with what you’re dealing with in your life:

1. Do you feel unfulfilled in some area of you life?
2. Do you experience a great deal of conflict in your close relationships? 
3. Do you feel angry a lot?                                                                                                                            
4. Do you find it stressful spending time with your family or do you avoid family members as much as possible?                                                                                                                                    
5. Do you find yourself doing things that you have a feeling might not be that good for you, like drinking too much, working a lot, eating for emotional reasons, or spending a lot of time online?                      
6. Do you feel depressed or anxious?                            
7. Do you feel stressed out?                                                                                                          
8. Do you suffer from feelings of low self-esteem?                                                            
9. Do you feel lonely or isolated?                                                                                       
10. Do you feel trapped, afraid, or not in control of your life?                                                       
11. Are you in a romantic, friend, professional, or family relationship that seems to be constantly upsetting to you?
12. Did you have experiences as a child that you feel could be keeping you from living a full, happy adult life?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, please give me a call. We can talk about your situation and I can tell you how I can be helpful to you. Please call me anytime.

I feel that it is my job to address these very legitimate concerns and to make every client feel heard and respected.

Bringing an outside consultant into your relationship can actually take the pressure off and diminish your stress, rather than adding to it  Talking with an unbiased third party can take the emphasis off of who is to blame for a current concern and can produce positive change,  coaching both partners towards understanding and compassion. It can give you the space to really express what it is you desire and to make those things happen. An impartial mediator can mean the difference between a healthy intimate connection and an unhappy home.